Sleeping In
When I am triggered into a PTSD episode I tend to sleep a lot. It is very powerful to where I can't stop it even if I try to. When I am back in those memories of being abused, and looking at the destruction of my life by the 6 criminals who are expecting me to be a long-term victim of rape and forced marriage, as they tear away my friendships at university, as they tear away my relationship with my psychologist, as they tear away my relationship with my family, as they tear my university, and my job courses that I would have been finished and in stable employment for as long as I needed to be, as they put me in debt as they fucked with my mind so badly that I couldn't pay my bills, and lost my relationship with my family so didn't have anywhere to live, I had to move into a sharehouse which I would have done anyway had they not abused me to be closer to the university, and then there they continued to abuse me so relationship their were destroyed as well. Andrea said the only person i could talk to was pretty much Anthony Field. That's the only person she wanted me to be with --- as she continued to abuse and destroy my with her continuance to attack me because I'm gay, and her want to beat the gay out of me, which never was in my mind that she was doing as I knew 100% that I was gay, and nothing was going to change that.
I'm back there when I am triggered seeing the destruction of my life, the dumbing down of my mind, and destruction of my life to be small and insignificant to increase their chances of me being a forced marriage victim --- which in turn means a rape victim, etc. So, and then the worst memories are of Anthony Field. The sight of it, and having a full understanding of what all this is about --- Just that's the worst memories. It's just a INSANE -- and people thought I'd go with him. IT WAS SOFUCKING TERRIBLE. And then people turn around and tell me I didn't want to help myself. I helped myself always. Im appauled that people see me as someone who never wanted to help themselves. ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE????????????????? Bitch I have REBUILT my life and my businesses multiple times after having a PTSD episode. I have worked my arse and became the best cleaner in my fucking city --- Cause cleaning is ALLL i could do as my mind would be robbed from me as I went into PTSD episode constantly. No matter where the mind was ---My body would fucking clean. I'm utterly appalled by those words, and the memories of being told that. Bitch I own good real estate on facebook fuck sake... I BUILT A FUCKING MARKETING AGENCY WHILE I WAS LIVING IN MY CAR BECAUSE THE PTSD CONTINUED TO HAPPEN. These bitches who told me I didn't want to fucking help myself are just trying to run from the responsibility of the fact they're rapists, and criminals trying to victimize a vulnerable person at the time of the crimes. That's all those motherfuckers want to escape from -- Seeing the reality of who they fucking were and are. Obsessed with rape, obsessed with male empowerment, obsessed with disempowering females for their males. Obsessed with taking control. Criminals --- who want to commit gay hate crimes. They turned Anthony Field into a criminal overnight. With his expectations of me being his partner and them putting that in his head that we are married. They put delusions in his head continued to lead him on. Like they did me with marlen --- When they said I can't prove i'm not in a relationship with Marlen. They just used me, and abused me. Then turned around and called me obsessed as they put her on my mind using the interviews.
They're stupid to ever think I've never been helping myself --- They have no idea how much I work, or how hard I work. Or what I've been through. They have no fucking idea. If I didn't want to help myself why would I went forced into homelessness as they continued to psychologically attack me, why would I have unit with 6 weeks in a desirable location after touching down in a city I've never been to before? They don't just give them to everybody. If I didn't want to help myself why do I have the ability to still constantly get up after every PTSD episode that has been disabling my life and is the reasons why I am not where I should have been thereafter the crimes were committed? And when and during the crimes being committed caused by Andrea, Susan, Marlen, Gian, Anthony Field. --- Cerise -- All of them trying to hide what they did, and stop the truth from geting out ot the other Destonians So they continue to make me look like I'm crazy because I didn't fall victim to rape and abuse? If I was crazy why would they send me off to Anthony Field? They seemed to not care at all about that. No they wanted to tell everyone I was crazy so they could blame me, and make me look like I'm not the good person, when they're the bad people, and they've been the ones trying to force me through a gay conversion, and try force me into marriage.
That's what all this about.
So When I'm back in those memories of seeing how awfully fucked those criminals are I tend to sleep a lot. I have to sleep to shut it off -- to wear it down. As there is no way for me to shut that off in an instant there is just no way. --- Even with breathing it is just there. So i have to slept a lot. When I wake I usually feel drained, lethargic, and I await to feel like getting up. But, nothing flood or comes to mind until I'm actually up, and then that's when everything comes back like my motivation, my drive, my passions. When I am laying in bed nothing comes up. lol. It's when I am physically moving about and remembering to do things, and how good life is --- and all my enjoyments, goals, and aspirations.
Sometimes if the PTSD episodes are extremely powerful I'd probably sleep all day. Which is what what I did today. Last night they were extremely powerful. Infused with anxiety, and because caffeine coffee has always been my got to ever since I was homelessness in Melbourne city escaping the boy they wanted me to be forced with, I developed the coffee habit. I had given on so much prior to them starting their crimes so coffee was not in the picture. But because of they crimes they committed I developed coping mechanisms --- like drinking coffee again and I became a coffee addicted. So I was fuelled by caffeine last night to try dim the anger, the negative emotions to what those criminals did --- dim the negative ones and increase the anxiety --- which tend to come in as more of a higher vibe -- which is uncomfortable as I can't focus or concentrate as I drift in and out of memories of what those criminals did to me. Because of how powerful it was I ended up sleeping longer than I should have today.
I've had three days off work today is the last day I have off. I wanted to get a head start on my goals for the day but because I slept in theres not much left to the day itself. I felt guilty about that as I have so much potential to do more and I don't want to waste time. Those criminals may have had lowered their expectations of me in my life and reduced me to just to be expected to bare children that they could have control over, and my life be over and not focus on what I want myself in life, and my family, my community, and what I want --- when it comes to sex, and relationships, and partnership -- They my have created all the ideas for my life --- But that wasn't me. That was me nothing was me inside what they did. I was non-existent. Not a human being to them. So, My goals and potential --- and my goals for a relationship with a woman --- and to have and do what I want as career are my goals, and for those to become a reality -- given that I have been disadvantaged and disabled, I'm going to need every bit of myself, and my time to invest in my life. No sleeping in for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep over 4 - 6 hours.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to drink more than one coffee a day no matter how strong the PTSD episodes are.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to expect everything of myself to flood back to mind when I am in bed so that I get up out of bed when nothing will come up until I am physically moving where everything that needs to be done will show itself.
I commit myself to only have one coffee a day
I commit myself to sleep for 4 - 6 hours and set my alarm accordingly.
I commit myself to get up out of bed when I wake up so that everything of what I must do to create the life I want floods back.
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