I Forgive Myself

DAY 19: The Power of Conscious Choices: Transforming Mindless Content Consumption I embarked on a 21-day challenge to break free from my mindless scrolling of meaningless content on social media. Currently, I have reached day 8 of this journey, and although I stumbled a few times along the way, today I experienced a significant breakthrough. At one point, I found myself attempting to convince myself that I should simply become more discerning with the content I consume, rather than completely giving up this habit. While there is some truth in the idea of being selective about the content I engage with, deep down, I realized that this approach would only serve as a major distraction, preventing me from supporting and nurturing my best self. Prior to my breakthrough, I found myself captivated by a video that delved into the lives of celebrities and explored their bizarre deaths. Curiously, I noticed myself becoming emotionally invested in the stories, and an inclination to prolong that...

Ever since I was kid I disliked dresses. The only time I wore a dress is because it was required of me to wear it for primary school. Dresses in my opinion should not be expected females to wear. When I was a kid dressers weren't practical. I played a lot of sports, I fought with a lot of boy physically, I had a lot of friend who boys, and the dress just was not practical for what we would do. If I fell over while playing T-ball, the dress would rid up, and reveal my underware. If the wind blew the dress would blow up and everyone would see my underware. Dresses are constantly forcing the female both mentally and physically to worry about their underware being shown. Already we are classed as ''sluts'' when we wear too revealing clothing, ''tramps'', etc. etc. But the whole fashion is pretty much designed to make it harder for the female body and make it less physical. Of course, that depends on what shop you go to. I work in a shopping centre at ...

Not Planning Is Planning To Fail I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to continue with a structure that allows me to plan my day, and monitor my progress. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist planning for the day. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that planning is not important. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that if I don't plan, I plan to fail. I commit myself to plan out my day I commit myself to monitor and track my progress.

I listened to an Eqafe interview in full for the first time today. I did experience some joy then a memory of when I used to listen to all the Eqafe interviews when I was 16 and all the way to 20 years old. From then on-wards I could never stomach them as what was done to me, and the use of the interviews to lead me on, etc. I am too full of anger to hear Susan voice. So my way of listening to the interviews is having them transcribed then read aloud by one of my voice softwares. I choice a male UK voice which sounds the best. By doing it this way I am able to reconnect with my process again on a level that will help me on my journey to learn more and to write a whole lot better. I normally listen to every book at 3x speed but for these I want to take notes. I've never been someone who slows down for anything. However, when it comes to process I see it as worthy. Oh and I get to watch the words that are being read aloud too. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed m...

Sleeping In When I am triggered into a PTSD episode I tend to sleep a lot. It is very powerful to where I can't stop it even if I try to. When I am back in those memories of being abused, and looking at the destruction of my life by the 6 criminals who are expecting me to be a long-term victim of rape and forced marriage, as they tear away my friendships at university, as they tear away my relationship with my psychologist, as they tear away my relationship with my family, as they tear my university, and my job courses that I would have been finished and in stable employment for as long as I needed to be, as they put me in debt as they fucked with my mind so badly that I couldn't pay my bills, and lost my relationship with my family so didn't have anywhere to live, I had to move into a sharehouse which I would have done anyway had they not abused me to be closer to the university, and then there they continued to abuse me so relationship their were destroyed as well. And...

One coping mechanism and distraction point that I've been holding onto is watching social media videos of random content that serve no value to my life. I watch this content to calm my mind when my Post-traumatic Stress Disorder has been triggered, and/or when I am coming home from work at bed time hours. The Post-traumatic Stress Disorder which is filled with all the memories of what those six criminals did to me, in great detail, all coming up at once. It is very hard to stop it -- Nothing is likely to stop it when it comes up. I am in it, seeing all their nasty vile, cruel, disgusting psychologically abusive tactics to try and abuse me for one of their low lived male friends. Who when I met one of them was broke, cutting his own hair, sleeping with a possible prostitute, unhygienic, no food in the fridge except rice milk, things he'd say as if someone had put the idea n his head that him and I would ever date. Very strange I said nothing to this boy about ever dating him...